God, I hate these fucking hipsters.
You can’t go anywhere anymore without seeing some guy with a mullet smoking while riding side-saddle on a Vespa. It’s like, is nowhere safe from these people?! The other day I was at the grocery store and I saw this asshole wearing a plaid shirt, leather vest and jodhpurs. Jodhpurs, really? Shopping in my supermarket?
Something that really bothers me about hipsters is how they still think smoking is cool. We all know smoking isn’t cool anymore! No one cool smokes, guys. Get with it. And that’s not even all! These kids see people smoking cigarettes, and they decide to smoke clove cigarettes just be cooler and more ironic. And then people see the clove cigarette smokers, and they decide it’s cooler to smoke normal cigarettes just to even more ironic! God!
Don’t get me started about how rude these fucking hipsters are! Like those snotty record store hipsters that make you feel bad about buying Storm Front by Billy Joel. I mean, I get all my music from iTunes, but we all know how snooty those record stores are. No real person with a real job like at the post office or gas station or pharmacy or community pool is that fucking rude. And what do they think they’re doing? Records? Why not get obsessed with something that matters, like baseball stats or celebrities. And those nerds don’t have anything to be rude about! Those dudes are so dumpy I bet they never get any pussy at all.
Or, Jeez, those hipsters that aren’t dumpy at all. God, I hate those hipster that are so fucking put together, and look like they bought all their clothes on a style blog. They’re all so young and beautiful and they just think they’re better than me and are always laughing and having so much goddamn fun talking about celebrities’ clothes and always either about to fuck or getting back from fucking some other beautiful hipster.
Or, Christ!, those motherfucking assblaster hipsters that make their own clothes. They’re all like, “Ooh, I’m knitting on the public transit. Look how interesting I am. I’m ironically thrifty!”
Or those hipsters who get all their clothes from thrift stores. I mean, thrift stores are for people who don’t have any money, not for some jerk college kid.
Or those hipsters who get their clothes from The Gap and stuff, but have those stupid weird haircuts. I saw this one dude in jeans and a polo, and I was like cool, but then I saw that he had a fucking Fall Out Boy haircut! And he was sitting next to me at the Cubs game, talking to his friend about how he liked the Sox! Oooh, so ironic!
Or those hipsters that wear glasses. Ugh. Like, I get that they probably need glasses, but they’re so prissy about which frames are cool enough to wear. Get metal wire frames like a real person, you fucking hipsters!
Or those hipsters who aren’t at all into clothes but do have glasses and maybe are really into art. I’m always seeing them at art galleries and stuff, being so fucking pretentious. I’m trying to enjoy a drink with my friends and look at some art, and they’re just fucking ruining it by being so contrived and pointlessly artistic, talking in depth about all these obscure artists, like they actually know quite a bit about modern art. Whatever, I can’t deal with that shit.
Or, mother of fuck, those bookish hipsters always reading at coffee shops and drinking coffee. Reading poetry and talking about poetry and probably writing fucking poetry. Jesus, poetry! It’s like they don’t even care that know one wants to read poetry except for them! I bet they actually enjoy Joanna Newsom. Those songs are like twelve minutes long! Who cares about that shit?! Who has time to listen to that long of a song? Get a fucking job, hipsters!
Or those really ironic hipsters with all that tattoos and piercings that listen heavy metal, and pretend to like it and have never willingly read a book. Ugh, fucking morons.
Or those hipsters that don’t at all care about art or books or music or clothes or even smoking clove cigarettes, but flock to the avant-garde film fests. Avant-garde film fests? Try and be more cliche, hipsters. I don’t care who Maya Deren is and what insight you have into her use of non-diagetic sound.
Or the hipsters who ride bikes and pretend like its more practical than a car. Again I say, get the fuck with it!
Or, ick, the hipsters in cars who don’t give a shit about environment.
Or the hipsters who are always stopping people on the street to sign petitions about the goddamn environment. Like they actually care.
Alright, end of my rant. I’m just so sick of these young hipsters who just think they are so interesting for liking some things and not liking others, and for dressing one way and not dressing others, and for sometimes being rude and sometimes having conversations in coffee shops about art or whatever and just generally seeming like they’re having so much goddamn fun.
Am I right, people?